I figured I should get this out of the way before I get too far into this blog: I will never, ever talk about scary games.

Except right now. After this, though, you’re on your own exploring that genre.

The reason is that I am never able to actually beat them. This is not from a lack of ability, but from a lack of constitution, which is another way of saying that they’re too fracking scary. They give me the wiggins, and I can’t handle it.

Despite this, I’ve bought several scary games, and there’s always a particularly terrifying part of the game that keeps me from completing it. Add that to the fact that some normal horror games decide to add ridiculously scary parts to the gameplay, and we have the perfect list:

What parts of video games made me give up/hug my Pikachu pillow in terror.

6. “Halo”

It should tell you something that I chose a game not generally associated with horror to start the list. I am seriously the worst about this.

“Halo” is totally fine for me up until one very particular event: the Flood.

Holy ew, those little mushroom-tentacle creatures are scary little jerks. They’re so small that they’re hard to shoot, and they do the worst thing a group of bitty creatures can do: swarm. Each one that gets close enough will explode, damaging your health bar and sending bits of mushroom flying. Gross.

Even worse, the big ones appear soon afterwards, and they’re humanoid monsters that make no sound, which is the worst part. They also try to beat you to death with their mutant arms.

5. “Mass Effect 3”

So I played the entire Mass Effect series without getting too freaked … until the third installation. Oh my gosh, Banshees are the worst. They appear with a nerve-rattling screech, then they make their way over to you by freaking teleporting, little by little, until they get close enough to snatch you up and rip out your soul.

The worst part is that they’re the results of the Reapers messing with Ardat-Yakshi, who feed by having sex with people and then hemorrhaging their brains (or something). Anyway, here’s an incredibly creepy video of Banshee noises by Brad Cypy.

Thanks, Brad.

4. “Minecraft”

Okay, this is actually number six, but I thought you’d stop reading if this was first. I have literally stopped playing this game dozens of times out of rage or terror, but I keep coming back for more.

In “Minecraft,” I don’t go through one of those obsidian portals. Ever. I made one once, and this giant blimp monster spewed stuff at me, and nope. I also don’t leave my little block house at night. If I haven’t made a bed or if one of those darn explosive creepers destroyed the one I had, I will literally just stand there, obstinately staring at a wall instead of a window until my room is bright again. Can’t be dealing with those spindly, tall endermen that just pop around.

In fact, the last time I played the game, I was playing with my friend and got caught out after dark. Almost immediately, I hear a zombie moan and groan, so I tear off into the woods screaming, completely lost, with my buddy hiding his face in his hands. I know I could totally just play the easy version, but I’m pretty sure the monsters still exist and simply don’t kill you. Either way, nope.

3. “Deadspace” and “Alan Wake”

I list these two together because I’ve bought both Deadspace games, as well as “Alan Wake,” but I haven’t even played enough of the games to even know what they’re about. I don’t remember what scared me enough to stop playing, and I am NOT going to go back to find out. You can’t make me.

2. “Last of Us”

This game was one of the reasons I bought a PS3. It had what looked like an incredible story and was full of super cool zombies and apocalypse stuff, and the reviews were through the roof. Of course, that doesn’t matter much when you’re constantly dying because you’re too scared and blow yourself up instead of the ridiculous horde of zombies around the corner. My friend watched me play this not because of gameplay, but because I was so terrible at it and mostly got myself killed. Seriously, I’d be that blonde chick in a horror movie, first to die.

That was all cool up until I got to an enormous, dark room full of zombies called “clickers.” These things can’t see, but they can hear incredibly well. You know they’re around because they click in an obnoxious fashion as they mill about, being terrifying. Your goal, then, is to creep through this awful pit of despair without getting choked to death by these rotten jerks.

I never made it through that room.

1. “Alien: Isolation”

Yes, “Alien” is at the top of my list for several reasons: 1. I love the franchise. I don’t use that dumb acronym bae, but if I did, Sigourney Weaver would be it. 2. From what I’ve seen, the storyline is gorgeous. 3. Sigourney Jr. For real, you get to play as her “daughter” who died of old age while Ripley was drifting through space with a cat. 4. My parents bought me a PlayStation camera specifically because I was talking about how the Alien can hear the noises in your room if you use it, so I don’t want to be a selfish jerk. 5. I have a serious desire to beat this game, so this will be an ongoing terror.

However, this dedication to the series doesn’t bleed through into my gameplay. I get slaughtered or lost or panicked so much in that game that I don’t think I’ll ever escape the space station alive.

To show you how deliciously evil this game is, I’ll tell you about the last time I played it:

I’m trying to get information back to a doctor so he’ll save my friend, and I walk out of a room only to see a tail slip out of a vent in the ceiling. In full panic mode, I dodge towards a nearby door and crouch there, watching, holding my breath as the Alien slinks off down the hallway.

Several minutes later, when I’m done hyperventilating, I creep down the hallway inch by inch and start to make my winding way back. Fast-forward to 30 minutes later: I haven’t seen a save point yet, and I’m freaking out because my motion detector is beeping fairly frequently, but I can’t see the Alien anywhere.

I start creeping down another curvy hallway, taking a chance because there’s no cover between one door and the next, faraway one. What do you know, the Alien pops up at the end of the hallway. That thing definitely sees me, so I turn and sprint back into the last room, aiming for the closet I’d just spent several minutes cowering in. All the while, I’m yelling, “Nononononono, go away, go away.”

Sigourney Jr.’s hand reaches out to grab the handle, stops, falls. She looks down at her chest and sees the Alien’s tail piercing it. It rips back out, and Sigourney Jr. then falls to the ground, only to have the Alien’s claw come down on her head. Ugh, way too detailed; I hated it. I haven’t been able to muster the courage to play it since.

Here’s a video from outsidexbox that scientifically “proves” the game is scary. I tried to find one of the Alien killing Sigourney Jr., but they were all compilations of game deaths that lasted over ten minutes (which is absurd). They also made my stomach rumbly and sad.

Space Stuff

As for galaxies, did you know that a ridiculously large comet just passed by? Check out this link from IFL Science.

Also, there is some great news for anyone who, like me, is a little peeved that we keep paying the Russians so much to ferry us up to the ISS. (If you have an opinion on this, it’s official: You’re a nerd.) SpaceX and Boeing are duking it out to see who will jet NASA up there. I’m personally on SpaceX’s side because the founder of SpaceX, Elon Musk, is a really awesome dude who’s really invested in the future of space with the money to get it moving. Either way, I’m just glad it’s even being discussed.

Anyway, that’s all for now. I’m sure there are much scarier games out there, but you can have them.

Tell me what your scariest video game moment was. As for me, I’m going to have a comforting “Legend of Korra” marathon.